author – Randy Robinson
Just because you are a police officer about to lose a marriage doesn’t mean you have to lose your kids as well.
It is well known that certain professions have a higher-than-average divorce rate. Sadly, these professions tend to be the ones that do the most good for society. Any line of work that produces positive change in society, or at least keeps the wolves at bay, is going to produce stress. Husbands and wives may initially be supportive, but eventually, some marriages cannot handle the strain.
For children with one or both parents in a dangerous profession, stress is already a part of their daily lives. They are the ones who have to go to school not knowing if they will ever see their mother or their father again, of if they will be the same as when they last saw them. The last thing that these children need is to endure the added trauma of seeing that parent once a week or less if the family dynamic is ripped apart.
If this is your situation, don’t despair. Maine law lists the factors that a court needs to consider when making custody determinations among parents who can’t agree on the devastatingly important issue of who keeps the children—and “dangerous job” does not appear anywhere in the law. The statute is designed to make sure that the parent who is best equipped for the job of raising the children is the one who gets to do it, assuming that an even split doesn’t take place.
One more bit of good news: unless there is a very serious problem with one parent, the court will award shared parental rights and responsibilities. Even if one parent has less contact with a child, that parent will still have a say in the boy’s or girl’s upbringing and have the right—not subject to the whims of the other parent—to be kept informed about the child’s school activities, medical appointments, etc. The law recognizes that a failed marriage does not mean a failed parent—or person.
Factors in what is in a child’s best interest include the age of the child, the child’s relationship with his or her parents and any other significant individual, the child’s preference if he or she is old enough, and the child’s current living arrangements, be they good or not so good, along with the proposed living arrangements if either parent wants to change where the child lives.
Other factors really get to the heart of who a parent is—and remember that police officers, with few exceptions, are considered to be among the best members of society. Can the police officer parent give the child love, affection and guidance? How well-adjusted is the child to his current home and community and school? Does a given parent have the capacity to allow and encourage frequent contact, physical and remote, with the other parent? Can the parties co-parent? Are they willing to work together to resolve disputes? What about the effect on the child of one parent having complete control? Finally, is there a history of domestic or child abuse between the parents?
Note that the law does not say “There is a presumption that a parent with a dangerous job should not be the primary caregiver.” The fact that you, as an officer of the law, run a risk every time you put on that uniform will not be held against you. Obviously, contingency plans have to be in place, but that is so for every person who wants to exercise the precious right and responsibility of raising a child.
There is no reason a divorced police officer cannot be a parent, and a good one. You show your children every single day the importance of self-sacrifice, of giving back, of simple physical bravery. Your life shows them that there is more to our place in this world than simply what we can achieve for ourselves.
From security guard to correctional officer to cop, the uniform stands, not for brutality and racism, but for a lifetime of service. The law will not penalize you, as a parent, for being willing to die for the right of every man, woman, and child that you serve to be safe. Do not let the thought that you will lose your family drive you into giving up the job that you have worked so hard to attain, without which each and every one of us will be that much less safe.
Soldier on. Be a cop. A parent. A husband or wife. Most of all, a human being who can take pride every day in simply being who you are.